Tuesday, 7 June 2016

6/07/2016 12:11:00 am
Why are Thai women more jealous?

I’ve been wondering myself and I’ve been asked that question so many times I could not help but write about it. For me personally jealousy is something I need to fight. You might think I’m talking about an inner fight, but it’s not. Having a Thai family and a farang husband I sometimes feel like they are trying to brainwash me.

Am I jealous?

When my husband and I talked about moving to Thailand people would make remarks about the beautiful women and make jokes to make me jealous. Ofcourse it sometimes got under my skin and I was wondering if I wasn’t playing the odds. My Thai family did not make it any easier. They kept warning me about Thai women constantly. “Don’t trust them around your husband no matter how much you trust him, don’t let him go anywhere alone”…and so on. But moving to Thailand made me more confident actually. I think one of the reasons is because I see how jealousy can stress you out.

Feeling of being brainwashed

There are many things my family tells me which would make me more jealous if I’d listen to them. For example I was told not to get a cleaning lady because she could run off with my husband. I didn’t listen and hired an older lady. I told my family about it and they all though I was being reckless. I told them she was a kind older lady. They said that was no guarantee nothing would happen.

Another example : I was the bridesmaid at my cousin’s wedding so I had to stand there and take pictures with the guests. One of my family members (I’ll call her Tip) told me I could not leave my husband by himself and I should keep an eye on him as he was taking pictures with an other woman. I asked Tip what had happened. She said a friend of my aunt asked her if she could take a picture. Tip agreed as she thought the lady meant to take a picture of the whole family, but the lady took a selfie of my husband and herself. I laughed and said she is old enough to be my husbands mother. Tip said “That is no excuse, you can’t trust him on his own!”.

I can give you countless examples, but I’ll do just one more. To prove that it’s not only the women who advice you to be more jealous I’ll share what a male family members advice was. He once said “I saw a handsome young man with a nice white car dressed like a movie star with his fancy sunglasses all alone in a shop filled with young beautiful woman.”. At first I was thinking who is he talking about in riddles? Then I realized he was talking about my husband. I told him I had send my husband to pay a bill because I had a lot on my plate. My family member told me I can’t let him go alone as the girls would try to seduce him. I laughed but his facial expression was telling me he was being serious.

I think the biggest problem is the fact that he is a farang and my family think all Thai girls want a farang patner and would do whatever it takes. They all act like he is a deer in a jungle and all the Thai women are hungry tigers.

Are Thai women more jealous?

There is a lot of forums with this topic and it is not uncommon to read a tragic story in the newspaper caused by jealousy. So I think you can say not all of them handle jealousy as well. Ofcourse not all Thai women are (overly) jealous, but I do feel like jealous behaviour is more common here and I feel like it is more tolerated. Depending on where you come from you’ll find Thai women more jealous or not. I’ve talked to people who don’t see anything out of the ordinary with a little outburst now and then. To some people public fighting over a boy/man is normal, to others it is shocking. Whether you find someone jealous or is not is rather relative.

What is jealousy actually?

I know there are many scientific researches done on that matter, but I don’t care for a technical explanation. I talked to many Thai women about this and took my own feelings into account. The way I see it now is jealousy can arise from many things. It is a deep burning mix of pure feelings of anxiety, insecurity and anger.

Why are Thai women more jealous?

After talking to Thai woman, Thai men and farang partners (straight and gay) I have to conclude there are many possible explanations. These are the 4 most mentioned responses :

1. Thai men are unfaithful

The most common answer was that Thai men are not the most faithful. I understand that it is more difficult to trust somebody when you’ve been cheated on. But don’t kid yourself not all Thai men are unfaithful. It’s not fair to those who are faithful to threat them like they would jump anything in a skirt.

2. Mia Noi

In the past many men had a ‘Mia Noi’, a mistress and it was socially accepted. Although nowadays it isn’t the norm anymore it is still in the back of the head of Thai women. Which is quite understanding, but in my opinion what happened many years ago shouldn’t affect your relationship.

3. Male to female ratio

What I often hear as well is that there are more men than women in Thailand. But according to a research done in 2011 there were 50,95% male and 49,05% female between the age of 15-24. For the age 25-54 the ratio was 49,39% male and 50,61% female. There are monks, gay men and ladyboys, but on the other hand you have tom boys, lesbians, girls who marry a foreinger and girls who kill each other over jealousy which balances the whole thing out again. (That last part was obviously a joke.)

4. Submissive Thai men spoiled Thai women

Another interesting theory I’ve heard was that Thai women are used having it their way. I’ve been told that Thai men obey more than foreign men. To avoid any problems the girls wish is their command. I’m not 100% sure if this is true, but if it is true, it makes perfect sense guys cheat more often. There will come a time they have enough of being bitched around and they will hear Queen say ‘I want to break free…’ and run into a girl who is less demanding. This would also explain why Thai women lose their marbles when their farang tirak doesn’t obey her commands.

5. Lifelong cultural subordination to men

If not still, Thai women have been subordinate to men for decades. It’s only natural to feel inferior and easy replaceable if you don’t feel like you are equals in a relationship. I find this one difficult to counter, as I understand sometimes you just have no other choice. But for those who do have a choice don’t put up with a man who treats you any less than an equal! Insecurity and a low self-esteem are one of the main causes of jealousy.

6. The influence of television

You don’t have to understand any word of Thai to get what is going on in the Thai dramas. The example people get from watching those shows are quite harmful for relationships. Many Thai songs are about men cheating on women and the video clips leave nothing to the imagination. Don’t let television mess with your brain, your boyfriend is not a moviestar and will not take those video clips as an example, so you shouldn’t either.

7. Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all

In my opinion, Thailand has a more unanimous image of the “perfect look”. Girls are led to believe to have a fair skin, slim body, V-shaped face, skinny arms and a narrow nose is beautiful. This leads to plastic surgery, whitening products, medication, but most importantly to a low self-esteem and the feeling of being less attractive than other girls who do have these features. This madness has got to stop! You are all beautiful in your own way! And news flash : beauty is not only on the outside. An attractive personality is much more worth than looking like a doll. Don’t let this delusion about ideal beauty get to you! Outer beauty fades, inner beauty can lasts forever.

How to overcome your own jealousy

Be aware of the fact that jealousy can ruin you relationship. It’s ok to feel jealous from time to time, but don’t let jealousy turn you into a bitch. Try to tame the monster inside of you and be the loving person you really are. Your partner fell in love with you for a reason and it is not the snarling, controling, yelling, overreacting woman you can become due to jealousy. Whenever you feel the burning desire to turn into the hulk count to 10 and try to put things in perspective. Try to give your partner the benifit of the doubt. Besides from love a relationship should be build on trust and respect for one another.

Communication is very important. Talk to eachother about the feelings you have when you’ve calmed down. Try to compromise, don’t be selfish and be as honest and open as possible. When communicating try to start your sentence with “It makes me feel, when…”. Try not to blame your partner, but share your point of view and allow him to share his.

Your partner chose to be with you for who you are. If you let your jealousy make you become somebody else why would he stay with you? Stay the best version of who you really are. There is no reason for your partner to cheat on you if you are a loving and caring person. If he still chooses to do so he is an idiot and you deserve better. Life doesn’t stop when your partner cheats on you. Don’t waste all your energy trying to prevent that. If you are meant to be together nobody can come between that.

Easier said than done!

I can imagine women going in defence telling me I have no idea what they are going through with their unfaithful partner. I have had my share of experiences. I’ve had an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with his neighbour (he told me, I was sad), another one who cheated with his ex (she bragged about it, I was furious), a third one who cheated with my best friend (she confessed, I was devastated) and my last ex-boyfriend had an affair with his coworker (she overwhelmed me with messages, I was on an emotional rollercoaster). Let’s just say I know how it feels!

How to deal with a jealous partner

As long as your partner is not overly jealous there are a few things you can do to make both of your lives more comfortable.

1. Don’t stare at other girls in her company.

2. Make sure your partner knows you love her and she has nothing to be jealous about.

3. Let your partner know you’re thinking about her when you’re apart.

4. Work on her self esteem. Give her sincere compliments not only on looks. Tell her how funny she is, how much you like the fact that she is sporty, … anything you like about her.

5. Don’t suggest that she could change her appearance. You don’t want her to think you like her to look more like somebody else.

6. Don’t tell her she is prettier, more smart, cuter, more fun, … than another girl she is jealous of. You might have good intentions but this indicates that you compare her. If you have a girlfriend with a low self-esteem she will feel inferior often.

7. Don’t speak too highly of your ex-girlfriend.

8. Don’t be secretive : if you have female friends be upfront about it, otherwise she’ll become even more insecure and think you’re hiding something. Suspicious behavior isn’t isn’t going to work in your favour.

9. Don’t call her crazy. It is only going to make her more angry and upset. Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, don’t call her crazy, nuts, insane, or anything like that.

10. Don’t Lie. If you are having a good time with your friends, don’t tell her you’re having a terrible time. She is probably not going to believe you and more likely to think you’re just trying to hide something.

These things might help if your partner isn’t overly jealous. If you tried everything you can. Put your foot down. Be clear that some behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.

Signs of overly jealous behavior.

Everybody gets jealous sometimes, there is nothing wrong with that. The jealousy itself is not really the issue. It is the acting upon this emotion. Jealousy is a slippery slope to a toxic relationship. These are red flags that indicate overly jealous behavior :

1. You can’t go anywhere without her.

2. If you do go somewhere alone you get interrogated.

3. If you do go somewhere alone she calls to check up on your whereabouts.

4. You can’t have female friends.

5. She gets angry every time you come to close to another woman and asks you why you are looking at her.

6. She accuses you of flirting all the time.

7. She goes through your belongings.

8. She checks your social media accounts, phone and emails.

9. She interrogates you about your female coworkers.

10. You’re afraid to do something wrong.

I am not an expert on this matter and there is no scientific research done for this article. I am just using my common sense, my own experiences and the opinion of friends and family. I want to emphasize again I don’t think all Thai girls are (overly) jealous. You might think Thai jealousy is a thing or not. Or some Thai girls are smart enough to use the myth in their advantage to be more controlling over their partner. Up to you what you make of it. But one thing is certain :

Adultery is a big issue in Thailand. If you want to end this problem stop accepting it!

Source: TFF

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